Anything that takes you out of your serenity needs to be surrendered: to your sponsor, to Heavenly Father, to your God Box, to the air around you, etc.
My serenity was majorly disturbed the last two days. First, at a not so great and frustrating ARP meeting. Second, during a confrontational Instagram debate. I honestly don’t know why I even participated in it. Most likely because this experience has taught me to stand up and fight when I feel like I am being mistreated.
But recovery has also taught me to release control of the things and people I cannot change. And I forgot that important detail the past couple days. I didn’t surrender it out of pride. And so I suffered. I was irritable. My inner peace was disturbed.
Peace and serenity and a calm mind and quiet heart are everything in this stressfully psychotic addiction and its effects. Things have been very good for Simon and I lately, but I noticed that my mood today was very agitated towards him.
He didn’t do anything wrong and yet because my peace was disturbed already, my mind started to dig up past hurts and dwell on them.
I was slipping back into the victim mode. I had to surrender to my sponsor and admit that the root of the problem–the core character flaw–was that I am self-righteous.
I expect others to work recovery my way because my way is best. How prideful of me! I felt it at ARP. I resent my facilitator because she has not personally experienced sexual addiction and that is so hard for me.
I was shamed when the women in my group talked about how they would be GONE if their husbands ever had an affair.
I was angry on Instagram when I felt injustice.
Those feelings are real. I’m allowed to have them. But I don’t and can’t hang on to them.
For the sake of peace, they must be surrendered.
I’ve written my surrender. I’ve written my peace. I’m working on humility.