When I met my husband I just knew he was the one. I felt it. It was right. He was the only man that I had ever felt truly comfortable with. He was the only man I ever felt totally me with. He was my first–and last–kiss.
I love him.
Then somewhere along the way, things felt off. It was a feeling of disconnect.
I couldn’t admit it to myself. But I was terribly unhappy. I was happy with my life, with my children, with my church, but not with my marriage.
I just couldn’t seem to find my way to truly connect with my husband. So, I swept it under the rug. I learned to live comfortably in denial. Things would work themselves out in time, I thought. Maybe a new house, maybe a new state, maybe a new job, maybe when our kids weren’t so little…maybe then we could find our way back to each other.
On November 8, 2014, I learned the reason for that disconnect: pornography. And the effects of it have been devastating.
Pornography IS an addiction and addictions are progressive.
With his addiction, came my trauma. And so Betrayal Trauma has taken up residence in my life–it’s the gigantic, ugly, hairy, menacing buffalo in the room. It can charge at anytime, just like his addiction
But we are killing our struggles piece by piece as we learn to work our recoveries.
So where are my husband and I? We are remarkably still married and trying to rekindle that love and connection that pornography has severed. I’ve implemented boundaries. (Boundaries are crucial for my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual safety.) We go to therapy. He goes to SA and PASG. I go to SAnon and PASG. We have weekly date nights that have been crucial to our marital healing. We are learning to communicate and have hope for our future one day at a time.
I eat, sleep and breathe recovery. And I am discovering who I am.
Rhyll Croshaw explains, “Either your husband will draw closer to you in recovery, or he will leave.”
How very true. My husband, Simon, is becoming a new man. I see it and I feel it. As he works his recovery, he is more kind, helpful, thoughtful, respectful, open, honest, vulnerable and loving than he has been in years, perhaps for the first time since addiction latched on. It has been miraculous to witness. He has a long ways to go still, however. Time–and the Spirit–will tell if he is still the right man for me.
But until then, I do not forbade the small joys and victories in my life that help me press forward.